#1 The "Lady,s"

A rare, if not unique, example of a collapsed rogue apostrophe. Not content with the standard rogues, such as "Ladie's" or "Ladies' ", the artist has contrived to collapse the punctuation and misspell the text, giving rise to the critics' debate as to whether the term "rogue comma" may be more appropriate in this case. Prof. Turbine-Hamilton has suggested the term rogue apostrocomma for this remarkable exhibit.


From: TM, Cambridge
Unbelievable. I've never seen anything like it - it's a total capastrophe.

From PH, London
Given the professor's experience in this field, I expect he's considered cryptographic devices such as those used by the Mesodalgarvic scribes. Let's hope so.

From Mrs JM, Kilwinning
Jim, if you're passing Tesco's, nip in and get a jug of milk and some of those oaty biscuits with cranberries. Ta. x.


#2 Member's Gift Aid Form

Believed by many to be a mythical object, this valuable document has been spotted on several occasions, most often in January each year. This has led to speculation that it belongs to a "zombie" Club member. Any information as to the whereabouts of the completed document would be much appreciated.


From NM, Dalry
Plenty of other zombie members have signed their forms. What's wrong with him?

From EJ, Ardrossan
Just daft, maybe?

From PG, Dalry
Or hiding from HMRC?


#3 Climbing Frame and Public Convenience

Originally constructed as a "War Memorial" - whatever that was - this structure is now used as a (rather unhygienic) climbing frame. Local children enjoy clambering over the monument, while drunkards of all ages use it as an open-air, public convenience.


From TP, Dalry
It's great to see the kids picking up all sorts of things from the older ones.

From HB, Kilbirnie
It's very handy if you're on a Buckfast marathon, by the way.

From KG, Dalry
It's in the wrong place. It should be moved to a better site, perhaps the open ground near Lidl's.

braehead jaup

#4 The Braehead Jaup

Appearing mysteriously in the prestigious Braehead area of Dalry, this artwork has provoked controversy among local art experts. Some credit the piece to Banksy, while others regard it as merely the latest example of the currently-fashionable Jaupist Movement. The late Brian Sewell might have described the piece as representing both the structured character of existence and the explosive nature of the universe; the lunar aspect of the white, circular feature contrasts with the sunburst-like "firework" below. A local councillor, who asked not to be named (or measured), said, "I have went to the site and I seen it myself but as there wurnae any free drinks or food and that, I have came away with an empty mind."

From FW, Dalry
If it's a Banksy, we should dig it up and sell it.

From KR, Dalry
I'd say it's two blobs crossing the road and one got run over. It's time for speed bumps.


#5 Breaking News

Published by the Ardrossan & Saltcoats Herald in September, 2016, this hilarious headline attracted considerable attention as the diminishing readership tried to make sense of it. The Herald, of course, is a spoof newspaper, full of linguistic and grammatical faux pas, nonsensical "news" stories and misplaced, mistitled photographs. The "Man Found In Garden" opus is now a collector's item, the journalistic epitome of pointlessness.

From MB, Ardrossan
Maybe it was me.

From SC, Kilbirnie
They're very clever: it's sometimes hard to tell the real stories from the fiction .


#6 The Public Quagmire

Until recently, this space was described as a "public park", used mainly for recreational activities such as dog-walking and boating, as well as sport. An ingenious scheme involving heavy traffic, collapsed drains and ignorance of the drainage system has resulted in the wonderful new "Dalry Everglades Quagmire", now home to aquatic invertebrates, wildfowl and a wide selection of swamp-loving vegetation.

From LM, Dalry
It's splashtastic.

From DT, Turnberry
Drain the swamp!

From LN, Dalry
I've ordered a submarine.


#7 Breeding Colony

Unique in Scotland, this breeding colony of jaguars has recently become established on public space near Main Street and Roche Way. The species, Panthera isorensis, is known for extended periods of inactivity; the prospect of traffic and pedestrian mishaps due to poor visibility and blockage is a small price to pay for such a remarkable display.

From SM, Brooklands
The D-Type. Now there was a fast cat.

From PR, Dalry
Don't seem to control the vermin.


#8 - Loch Regal

Our contributor has provided a picture of the famous Eau Et Lumière display at Loch Regal in Dalry. Although sporadic in nature, under favourable weather conditions, the loch occupies the depression close to sheltered housing at Regal Court. During displays, the elderly residents are confined to their quarters but, in emergencies, may be ferried to medical facilities or food banks and pedestrians share the main road with lorries, buses and speeding motor cars. The only inconvenience is to cyclists, as the cycle path (formerly a pavement) is unavailable when the loch is operational.

#9 - Fake News

A correspondent points out that issue 5 of the PR "newspaper" called "North Ayrshire Today" has attracted some interest, due mainly to the misleading article regarding the financing of the Dalry Burns Club planters at the station and also for the odd reference to the "Dunbar Parish Boundary Trust"; no corrections have been noted in issue 6.

From TO, Dalry
How much of the rest of it can be trusted?

From WM, Trumpton
Windmills are wonderful!

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Source: Guido Drapatolli